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9:11 am - Wed, Oct 1, 2014
Q: It took a lot of prepping myself to send this ask because I'm nervous, but here's my question: Does being severely guilt-tripped into having sex by your partner count as a non-consentual situation? Like, they can't take 'I'm not in the mood' as a hint and say repeatedly that if you don't do it, you don't really love them. Love your blog, by the way. You guys are great. And I'm no long with this person, this happened a few years ago, in case you're wondering.
Anonymous

Hello there,

I am so glad that you decided to send this ask! There is absolutely no reason to be nervous; we are always here for you with anything you might need, and while sometimes the question can be scary to ask, we are all really supportive here and just want to help. I can understand why this situation might have made you a little hesitant to ask. It can be upsetting to consider that the people we loved had ever crossed a line like that.

I want you to know that it is never okay for someone to force you to have sex. Consent means that you have to freely say yes without any strings attached, and in my mind you can’t give true consent when another person is manipulating you into saying yes when you would have otherwise said no. This sort of guilt tripping, where they say things like “If you do not have sex with me, then you do not really love me”, is manipulation and completely unfair to you. No one should ever make you feel like you have to say yes, and whether or not you agree to have sex with them should not become such a large issue in your relationship. If you do not wish to have sex, your partner should respect that and value your wishes.

I am so glad that you are no longer in this relationship, and hope that you can find a new relationship where you can be happier. You deserve a partner that respects you.

Lots of love,

Katherine

9:06 am

For NV

I think I might have depression but even if I don’t I have a lot of trouble with self-motivation and feeling like anything I do is worth it. A lot of the time I can’t bring myself to do my homework even if it’s an assignment I want to do. Do you have any advice? —NV

Hello NV,

Sorry, for some reason your message wasn’t posting, so I’ve copied and pasted everything here.

Firstly, I want to say that if you feel like you have depression, it would be a really good idea to see your doctor and talk to them about what you’re going through. If you do have depression, it could be causing this lack of motivation, and by getting the right treatment, you may gain your motivation back. Medications and/or therapy can be really helpful with alleviating the symptoms of depression, so I really encourage you to speak to your doctor about what you’re feeling sot hat you can get that help.

As for things that you can do to help yourself, I’ll give you a few tips that helped me personally. To begin with, I break down all the tasks that I have. For example, if you have a 2000 word essay, instead of going to do the essay, set a goal to do one paragraph. Breaking things down makes them more achievable, and less daunting, so you’re more likely to attempt it. Secondly, I write a list of all those broken down tasks in order of priority. This list can look scary, but the reason why it helps me is because as I go through and do things, I cross them off the list. If you’re breaking things down into smaller tasks, you’re going to work through the list faster. Seeing things crossed off really motivates me to keep going, because I’m getting through them so well. Another thing is setting small, achievable goals and have a reward at the end. For example, you may want to cross three things off that list, and when you do, you can reward yourself with something you enjoy, whether it be buying something or having a bubble bath. This can keep you motivated as well.

I hope that those tips help you, and I also hope that you seek further help from your doctor as it really could make a difference.

Take care,
Alexandria.

9:05 am
Q: I think I might have depression but even if I don't I have a lot of trouble with self-motivation and feeling like anything I do is worth it. A lot of the time I can't bring myself to do my homework even if it's an assignment I want to do. Do you have any advice? --NV
Anonymous

Hello NV,

Firstly, I want to say that if you feel like you have depression, it would be a really good idea to see your doctor and talk to them about what you’re going through. If you do have depression, it could be causing this lack of motivation, and by getting the right treatment, you may gain your motivation back. Medications and/or therapy can be really helpful with alleviating the symptoms of depression, so I really encourage you to speak to your doctor about what you’re feeling sot hat you can get that help.

As for things that you can do to help yourself, I’ll give you a few tips that helped me personally. To begin with, I break down all the tasks that I have. For example, if you have a 2000 word essay, instead of going to do the essay, set a goal to do one paragraph. Breaking things down makes them more achievable, and less daunting, so you’re more likely to attempt it. Secondly, I write a list of all those broken down tasks in order of priority. This list can look scary, but the reason why it helps me is because as I go through and do things, I cross them off the list. If you’re breaking things down into smaller tasks, you’re going to work through the list faster. Seeing things crossed off really motivates me to keep going, because I’m getting through them so well. Another thing is setting small, achievable goals and have a reward at the end. For example, you may want to cross three things off that list, and when you do, you can reward yourself with something you enjoy, whether it be buying something or having a bubble bath. This can keep you motivated as well.

I hope that those tips help you, and I also hope that you seek further help from your doctor as it really could make a difference.

Take care,
Alexandria.

9:03 am
Q: I think I might have depression but even if I don't I have a lot of trouble with self-motivation and feeling like anything I do is worth it. A lot of the time I can't bring myself to do my homework even if it's an assignment I want to do. Do you have any advice? --NV
Anonymous

Hello NV,

Firstly, I want to say that if you feel like you have depression, it would be a really good idea to see your doctor and talk to them about what you’re going through. If you do have depression, it could be causing this lack of motivation, and by getting the right treatment, you may gain your motivation back. Medications and/or therapy can be really helpful with alleviating the symptoms of depression, so I really encourage you to speak to your doctor about what you’re feeling sot hat you can get that help.

As for things that you can do to help yourself, I’ll give you a few tips that helped me personally. To begin with, I break down all the tasks that I have. For example, if you have a 2000 word essay, instead of going to do the essay, set a goal to do one paragraph. Breaking things down makes them more achievable, and less daunting, so you’re more likely to attempt it. Secondly, I write a list of all those broken down tasks in order of priority. This list can look scary, but the reason why it helps me is because as I go through and do things, I cross them off the list. If you’re breaking things down into smaller tasks, you’re going to work through the list faster. Seeing things crossed off really motivates me to keep going, because I’m getting through them so well. Another thing is setting small, achievable goals and have a reward at the end. For example, you may want to cross three things off that list, and when you do, you can reward yourself with something you enjoy, whether it be buying something or having a bubble bath. This can keep you motivated as well.

I hope that those tips help you, and I also hope that you seek further help from your doctor as it really could make a difference.

Take care,
Alexandria.

8:56 am
4 notes
Q: I keep having these thoughts of being raped in my head.. I never use it have them but they are making me feel ashamed.. I don't know why I'm thinking of that and I'm kinda anxious..
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

I’m sorry that you’re having these thoughts. I want you to know that this isn’t something to be ashamed of - you’re not actively trying to think of this. It’s something that’s just happening. What you’re experiencing sounds like it could be intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are described as “unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate”. There’s a few things that can help with these kinds of thoughts, and I’ll go over them below.

Firstly is distraction. When these thoughts pop up, try to do something that takes your mind away from the thought. This can be really tricky sometimes, and usually a distraction that takes a lot of thinking helps the most. For me, when intrusive thoughts come on, I try to do something like playing Hearts or 2048 on the computer. They’re just ones that work the best for me, but we’ve got a whole list of Distractions here that may give you some ideas.

Secondly, there’s a technique that some people use where every time you get an intrusive thought, you say “Stop!”. You can either say it loudly in your head, or even out loud if it’s more effective. For me, I’ve found that physically saying stop out loud can help to draw away from the thoughts. Sometimes I need to say stop multiple times, whilst I look for a way to distract myself, but it can come in handy.

Lastly, I think that if those above ideas don’t work, or if they do work but it’s still overwhelming, that it would be a good idea to seek professional support. Seeing your doctor and letting them know that you’re having intrusive thoughts and would like support should be enough for them to write up a referral to a psychologist, who can work with you to find ways to cope with the thoughts, and slowly eliminate them.

I also want you to know that there are Helplines and Web Counsellors that you can reach out to if these thoughts come on and you can’t shake them. They can work through those thoughts with you, and help you to put a plan in place to keep distracted from the thoughts. We’ve also got a page on Calming Anxiety and Panic that may help you when the thoughts get too much.

Take care,
Alexandria.

8:46 am
1 note
Q: I just want to thank you guys for this blog. I feel like I belong somewhere like this is our own community where we can support each other and read other people's stories and gain something wonderful. You guys are doing great. Thank you so much
Anonymous

Hey there sweetheart!

This is such a wonderful message! I’m so incredibly happy that you feel like you belong here- anyone can come and talk to us and we will do everything in our power to help. I hope you continue to feel safe here- we’re here for you!

I will pass this on to all the other admins for you!

You are getting along fantastically,

Amy-Shona~

7:41 am
1 note
Q: I need to go to a doctor because I'm doing really bad but in my country being trans is considered an illness and basically the laws are very very transphobic, so I am really scared. I need to go so I can live normally again, but I don't think there is a way out for me.
Anonymous

Hey there,

This is a really difficult situation to be in. If you have any knowledge on how their consideration of “curing the illness” is it may lead to whether go at all is a good idea or not. If they reject it and essentially try to make you believe you’re your Assigned Gender at Birth, then it may not be a very good place to go to. If they try helping by hormones that would help with gender reassignment, then that may be good to go to but it really depends on what they believe and what you are going for. If you can find any LGBTQIA+ safe spaces they may not have a direct counselling or clinic to go to, but they may have resources to people around you that are trans-friendly and will be supportive in anyway they can. Finding communities near you, finding people who are also trans that live in your country, find what they did, who they went to, their experiences with anyone they went to. Every person you go to in the world has a chance of bias or not, sometimes in an extremely bias world there is at least one or two people who are safe to go to.

If you are unaware of anyone near you, there’s nothing in any searches for even safe LGBA+ places, then it is a matter of what is going for and what there is to be respected. You could focus on things that may relate to trans but focus on something completely different. Set boundaries as well with what test/examinations you are comfortable with if it is physical health based. Mental health based mostly it would be discussions that could help with coping with anything you are dealing with like depression or anxiety. Finding places online for support on dealing with dysphoria, ways to pass, things that can further benefit your transition process until you could either move to a safer place or find support in your community. Starting a fund now to save up for any possible thing you would like to get be it hormones or transitional surgery (not all people who are trans wish to transition of course!) but it could almost be like a fund that is dedicated to you, your gender, almost like self support so that it isn’t a too far off option when you do find the support you need. If you send in the country you live in I could try doing some research into communities near you, safe places to go to or if I even know of some people from tumblr or fb that are trans where you live and know of any places that are good to go to and I’ll connect it to the ask. But things really are changing, sometimes more slowly than fast, but change always has a chance for the best and in a positive direction. It may really suck now, but growing up and seeing the change, seeing what there can be and what there is to come is a beautiful thing. It really really is. If there is any family or friends that could support you or help you to search for medical help that may also be really beneficial. You may find some of these links could be helpful as well. There will always be support, in real life or online, but it is there, it really is. Live long and prosper!

-Storm

7:40 am
Q: (please tag as hat-hat) A month ago I OD'd on some painkillers, but didn't get very sick and just ended up writing it off as food poisoning. I told my friend afterwards and he offered his support whenever I want it but beyond that we decided not to take any more action. Even now I feel like something should have change but it really hasn't, I'm just so tired and lost and I don't know what to do. I want to talk to my friend but he is very busy and lives across the country so I never do Pleasehelp
Anonymous

Hello Hat-Hat,

I’m sorry to hear that things got so overwhelming that you overdosed. I’m really glad that you’re still here with us, lovely, I honestly am. I know that your friend must be so glad that you’re here too. I think it’s important that you do take this further, and seek help from a professional. It’s great to have the support of friends, but a professional can really help you further by giving you skills and strategies to both cope with the feelings, and challenge the negative thoughts that are setting off the overwhelming feelings. There’s a couple of ways that you can seek that professional support. You could go to either your doctor or a counsellor on the campus that you’re studying on (if you’re studying). They can both assess what you’re going through, and either help you themselves (in the case of the counsellor), or refer you on to someone who can give you more appropriate help. I think that going to them would be a really good step in the right direction to getting support through these feelings, and beginning to manage them and take control again.

As for not having much time to talk to your friend, do you think you could ask him if he can set a time with you to chat? Even if it’s a week later, like an appointment, it may be a good idea so that you’re both setting aside a time where you’re free and can talk to one another. So I encourage you to give that a try too. I also want you to know that you can always seek help from a Helpline or Web Counsellor as well, or by contacting one of our admins on our Live Chat if you need someone just to talk things through with.

Take care,
Alexandria.

7:33 am
2 notes
Q: the other night i was feeling suicidal and i was gonna take all my pills but i thought better of it and texted a suicide hotline and one of my friends helped talk me down and im glad i made it through that night but im afraid its gonna happen again and i wont have the courage to call or have my phone with me or something like last night my mom yelled at me and gave me a long lecture and my sister and i had to leave bc neither of us could handle it and so we left and it was raining (1/2) - pebble
Anonymous

and i secretly hoped we would get in a crash so i could die and like i dont think ill be able to make it through another night bc im moving in the next two months bc my mom cant pay her bills and she keeps yelling at me and telling me im worthless and im not really eating much and when i do i feel like cutting and idk i just want to die idk what to do anymore (2/2) - pebble

Hello Pebble,

I am so proud of you for reaching out for help instead of taking the pills. I hope that you’re proud of yourself too, and realise that you’re stronger than you think. You pulled through when you didn’t think you would, and that’s strength. I know it’s scary to think that maybe next time you’ll be too scared to, but I want you to try and remember a few things: remember how you were glad that you called last time, remember what you said when your friend talked you down, and remember all the things that make your life worth living. You could even write a list of reasons to stay. We have two lists here - reasons to Stay and Not Give Up - that could give you some ideas for that list. Keep the list somewhere that you can see it when these feelings usually come on (so maybe on your wall, or in your purse if you get these feelings away from home).

I want you to know that you’re not worthless at all. You’re amazing, strong, and you have so many other wonderful things about you. I don’t have to know you in person to know this. There’s no person that’s worthless, and lovely, you’re not the first one in this world with no worth. Your mum is wrong to say those things to you, and I’m sorry that she does.

What I encourage you to do is to reach out for professional help. If you’re moving within the area, you should still be able to access the help that you seek, but if you’re moving away, you can ask the person that you see about places to seek further help in the new town and they should be happy to oblige. By seeing your doctor and explaining these suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts and the lack of eating, they can look at what may be causing these feelings, and then refer you onto people who can give you the best help possible. They may refer you on to a therapist, which could be a really good place for you to learn ways to cope with these feelings, and challenge the negative underlying thoughts. So please seek that help. I also want you to know that you can contact those Helplines and Web Counsellors at any point that you need assistance through anything at all. We also have Live Chat that you can use to speak to one of our admins too.

Lastly, I want to give you some tips for when the self harm thoughts come on. Again, you can call a helpline or talk to a web counsellor, and let them guide you through those feelings and ways to cope without harming yourself. We also have a page of Distractions and Alternatives here, which help to either take your mind off the thoughts, or express the feelings in a non-harmful way. So try out some of those next time the thoughts come along. There’s so many Reasons To Not Harm Yourself, and you honestly don’t deserve any of that pain.

Take care,
Alexandria.

6:51 am

To the seroquel anon

We aren’t allowed to publish asks with numbers in them, sorry. Do you mind resending your question in a way that doesn’t give weight? Or could you come off anon if you want to submit the ask with numbers? Thank you!

Take care,
Alexandria.

6:50 am
1 note
Q: There's a guy messaging me on fb he said he took pills and is trying to kill himself but I don't know his adress or information to tell the police but I messaged someone with his last name about it & they haven't msged back. I'm really worried what can I do?! He stopped writing me back I'm worried he's unconcious or something?
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

Messaging someone with the same last name is a really good idea. If you can find more people with the same last name, I’d recommend messaging them to. If he has tagged pictures with people, letting them know may get a response faster too. The truth is that he may be upset about people being contacted, but it’s much better to have him upset than not having him here at all.

Does his facebook profile have any information, such as town he lives in, phone number, or anything identifiable? Or does it state his full name? If you know his name and town, the police may be able to find him with just that information. So if you do know those two things, give the police a call.

Remember to keep yourself calm, lovely. Deep breaths, in over 7 counts, hold for 7 counts, breathe out over 9 counts… in over 7… hold for 7… out over 9… in over 7… hold for 7… out over 9… in over 7… hold for 7… out over 9… in over 7… hold for 7… out over 9… Just close your eyes, place your hands on your stomach, and focus on the counting. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s really great.

Take care,
Alexandria.

6:46 am
5 notes
Q: I've had an anxiety disorder all my life. It started as child onset and then turned into GAD when I was 14. I don't have many friends because of it. The friends I do have often get frustrated with me because of my anxiety. They think it's annoying to them and they don't take me seriously when I'm having a serious issue. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell them that this is real and I can't help it.
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

I’m sorry that your friends don’t understand what you’re going through. Sometimes when someone’s never been something themselves, they really don’t understand what it’s like to have to cope with such a thing. What I recommend doing is writing a letter to your friends. Writing letters are a good way to communicate, especially with anxiety, as you don’t have to verbally say what’s affecting you, you have all the time you need to write down what you want to say, and if something doesn’t read write, you can go back and edit it. What I think would be good is to write a letter to your friends explaining that you have GAD, what GAD is, how it affects you, and ways that you can work together to ensure that you’re feeling supported, and so they’re not getting frustrated.

For example, if your friends get angry at you for ‘freaking out’ at a maths problem, maybe write to them something along the lines of “I’ve noticed that you get frustrated in a few situations where my anxiety is present, and I know this is because you don’t understand what’s going on inside my mind. I cannot help this anxiety, and I know that you cannot help the frustration, but there are some ways we can work together to reduce the anxiety and frustration. Here are some solutions I have: One. When I freak out at a maths problem, you get frustrated because it’s not a big deal, and I completely shut off. If we could change it so that when I freak out, you ask me to break the problem down, I will most likely be able to cope better, and not shut off from you. This helps both of us.” and continue along those lines. That way, you’re not only explaining the issue and helping them understand, but you’re also giving steps to resolve the issues for both sides.

Good luck, lovely. Let me know how it goes.

Take care,
Alexandria.

6:38 am
Q: About two weeks ago I sent in an ask about thinking that I have OCD (I told you I have to sniff the air to feel comfortable doing stuff). Have you answered it?
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

I recommend taking a look through the OCD tag, back to when you sent your ask in. If it’s not there, I’m afraid we never received it, but if you resend it, we’ll help you out when we can!

Take care,
Alexandria.

6:36 am
1 note
Q: I keep getting really vivid dreams/nightmares. Sometimes they're just normal dreams, but when I have nightmares I wake up feeling scared and upset even if I can't remember the details. Recently the nightmares have been about people dying- it started with random people and distant family but it's now about close family and friends, and I have woken up convinced they were dead a few times. Is there something wrong with me? I also think I have ADD and anxiety
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

There’s a couple of things that I’d suggest for nightmares. These include things that you can try at home, as well as getting further help from a professional.

Firstly, there’s some steps that you can take at home that may help you. Getting yourself relaxed before sleeping can help with nightmares, and what I recommend is using meditation. There are many ways that you can meditate, including listening to peaceful music, laying and clearing your mind, but these are the two that I personally use: The first one is a muscle relaxation technique. What you do is start at your toes, and take a deep breath in whilst tensing your toes as hard as you can. Hold your breath and your toes for five seconds, and then let them both go. Relax for five seconds, and then move onto the muscles in your feet and repeat it. Keep doing this with the muscles all the way up your body. It helps to relax the muscles, and the breathing helps with oxygen circulation. The second one that helps me is guided meditation. I use Dr. Rick Collingwood’s hypnosis recordings (you can buy it online, on iTunes or the cheapest place is as an app on your phone). He guides you through breathing and relaxation that reaches to the subconscious of your brain. It really, really helped with my sleep. It also helped me with nightmares, as you have to focus on his voice, so when you go to sleep, the last thing you’re thinking about is the meditation steps, rather than the stress that’s on your mind. Another thing that may help you is taking a look at our Getting a Good Night’s Sleep page, which goes over ways to ensure that you get adequate sleep. For some people, these things can also stop the appearance of nightmares.

Lastly, with the things that you can do yourself, is assessing the stresses in your life. Is there something going on that may have triggered these nightmares, such as extra stress at school, or something similar? If you can find an event that may have triggered the nightmares, then it’s easier to find a way through them. For example, if the stress of school could have impacted on your dreaming, then finding ways to get organised or ask for further help could help to reduce that stress, and reduce the impact on your dreams. So definitely take a think about that.

The second thing that I recommend is seeing your doctor and talking to them about the nightmares and their affect on you. There are different avenues that doctors can take with nightmares, including prescribing medications and/or referring you on to therapy to discuss any underlying problems. This may include a stress factor that you identified, and need further help with. They’ll be able to find a way that’s most appropriate for you, and help you through that. Also, if you feel as though you may have any disorders, such as anxiety or ADD, it’s important to discuss that with your doctor too. They may take the nightmares into account with the feeling that you may have one of those disorders, so definitely go see your doctor and talk about all three.

Take care,
Alexandria.

4:41 am
2 notes
Q: I'm disgusting and everyone thinks so. The only person to ever show interest in me is my ex and he is bad for me but he's better than being alone. I just wish I didn't feel this way. I wish people actually cared about me but no one does and it hurts so much. I can't stand feeling like this anymore and I've tried and tried to get over it but nothing helps. I'm just done trying I can't fight anymore
Anonymous

Hello lovely,

I don’t think that you’re disgusting, and I don’t think that others view you as disgusting either. I think that it’s your mind telling you that people see you as disgusting, because you see yourself in a negative light. The truth is that you’re not the way that you feel you are; you are likeable, and you are cared for. If the people around you aren’t making you feel this way, I encourage you to change up who you spend your time around. You don’t deserve to feel this way, and you don’t have to keep on feeling this way. What I recommend doing is joining a club or group, so that you can meet new people. It may be a bit nerve-wracking at first, but it will give you the opportunity to meet people with similar interests to you, which is something that you can build a bond on. From stranger, to acquaintance, from acquaintance to friend. I did this when I didn’t have anyone around me that cared about me, and although I was too anxious to speak to anyone, after a couple of weeks, people noticed that I still hadn’t eased into the group, and so they started talking with me. They became the best friends that I’d ever had. So I think making friends that way is really good, as it is good for anxiety levels, and also helps to make friends with people who have similar interests.

Something that I also encourage you to do is reach out for professional support through this. It sounds like you’re really in need of help to move forward through these thoughts and feelings, and seeking professional support can help you with that. So if you see your doctor, or school/college counsellor, they can look at ways to get you that further help. Working with them, you can learn to cope with the feelings that you’re experiencing, challenge the negative thoughts and let yourself build up positive experiences. I know that hardly sounds possible before you enter therapy, but it can really help a lot, so please seek that help.

I want you to know that we’re always here if you want to talk further, either through our inbox or through Live Chat. There are also Helplines and Web Counsellors that you can talk to at any time. Lovely, you’re so far from disgusting. You’re a human being, and that means there’s so many beautiful, and unique qualities about you. Things that people would be lucky to be a part of.

Take care,
Alexandria.

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